The disorder is called “borderline personality disorder” (BPD), and she was certain it was the explanation behind lots of the installments in my column. Niloo Dardashti, a psychologist and relationship expert in New York City, to figure out if there was any truth to what this reader was talking about. Dating someone with BPD comes with its own unique challenges —including, sometimes, an increased likelihood of being ghosted. Dardashti defines BPD as a “personality disorder characterized by people who experience emotions very intensely and often have trouble regulating their emotions and tolerating the stress.”People who suffer from BPD tend to see things as very black and white. The disorder is what she calls a “bio-psycho-social issue,” meaning that there are biological, psychological and social factors all playing into it On the social front of the “bio-psycho-social” issue, lots of people with BPD have a history of chronic invalidation from someone who was around them a lot.As a result, some people with BPD (There's a spectrum of severity when it comes to the disorder.) may be very sensitive to feeling invalidated. Dardashti, straight up, “Do you think it's fair to say there's a link between ghosting and BPD?Small issues, yes, but they seemed like the entire world to me; she would forget to text me in the morning, and I would convince myself that she hated me.We would get into a small argument, and my anger would be so real and palpable that momentarily, it would consume me– but then an hour later she would tell me that she loved me, and I would melt back into contentment.In fact, there’s a little crazy inside of all of us.When going to school to get my Masters in counseling I was warned by my teachers that when reading the DSM—the bible of mental health disorders—I would crazy because it talks about behaviors we all display at one point or another.Ever since I was young, I had troubles with depression and anxiety that prohibited me from living a fulfilling life, but this newfound relationship gave me a solid foundation on which to build my self-worth; I had someone else’s constant validation, which I so, so desperately needed.Of course, this came crumbling down the moment we began experiencing issues.
The type of personality that so often gets caught up in a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD is what we might call a “nice guy” type.
She was an avid reader of my weekly column “Boom, Ghosted,” and she had a feeling she knew why a lot of these guys were ghosting these girls.
She felt they suffered from the same personality disorder her own ex (who also ghosted her) has.
In an attempt to shed light on what it is like to be with a person who is disordered—or as the layman would call it “crazy”—I’m offering a list of the two types of mental health afflictions and what it is like to be in relationship with someone who is suffering from them.
This list does not infer that one party is the “healthy” party and the other is disordered.